Sitting here day after day, it came to me that maybe I had plenty of time to think up a pitch for a TV show, cable of course so the actors could say “fuck” and show their tits. I really always thought I could do that someday.
So the creative juices flowed and here it is:
“Who you calling’ a racist, Bubba??”
A disgustingly rich 80 year old industrial magnate (and of course, a lawyer) living in Bel-Air, LA, accumulates the obligatory 30 year old dumb-as-a-box-of-rocks female with a great body as an “assistant”. She accumulates four expensive automobiles, a high end condo and an expense account for her labors. Unclear exactly what her duties in this relationship are, but she tends to manage some of his easier to understand archives. Of course there is an estranged 60 year old wife (was 30 with a great body when she originally married our hero).
As it happens, the slightly dim 30 y/o with the great body didn’t enter into this relationship with open ended affection for our hero like Anna Nicole Smith. She thinks there might be something in it for her in the way of becoming some variety of a TV reality star. So she tapes a private conversation between her and our hero in which our hero opines he’s never really liked black guys much even though he’s made a fortune on and for them playing for his sports franchise. She then sends the CD to the local news agency and it hits all the big venues the next day.
Since thought-crimes involving persons-of-color has become a crime rivaling most felonies and the mere accusation has ended careers, the result is swift and predictable. Every person of color that can get near a TV camera and all their friends/colleagues appear shaking their heads sadly to decry the stunning level of racism in this county. Then quickly thereafter howl for heads to roll.
The sanctioning body for the sports team owned by our hero quickly announces that our hero has performed original sin for which there can never be any perdition and sadly pronounces him to become a non-person in the true Orwellian sense. He must sell the team and proceed to the 5th Circle of Hell for eternity, never to emerge again.
Of course, the slightly dim girlfriend is discovered by the media, hoards of which descend on her condo, setting up cameras between the Ferrari and the Bentley. She appears with her face partially hidden and like the Pied Piper, leads them around town until the right one arrives offering her an interview with oh-so concerned, exceptionally socially relevant Barbara Walters who drools at the prospect of this big one to end her career on.
The interview is classic Walters versus a not-quite-with-the-program female with just the right amount of thighs showing to the camera. Barbara is appropriately concerned and relevant trying to get maple syrup out of a stone but in the end the sad girl didn’t understand the concept of how to work Barbara so nothing came of it but a lot of blank looks and non sequiturs. End her 15 minutes.
Next episode, another tape appears leaked to the media, a telephone conversation between our hero and an obvious person of color in which our hero confirms mild to moderate dementia, winding in and out of lucidity. He doesn’t understand the problem as some of his best friends are black guys and he’s certainly made all of them a bundle of money. They should be thanking him and who cares what he thinks about anything in the privacy of his bedroom when pillow talking to his close assistant who hangs on his every word.
He mentions that he got a call from Donald Trump who opined that maybe our hero had accumulated a “girlfriend from Hell” (Donald would know- Marla Maples-1986). Then, quite convincingly informing the listener that no power on earth can force a private citizen sell private property involuntarily in this country and they can all “go fuck themselves”.
But, next episode, of course, there are more females involved. There always are. Within a week, the best friend of the dim girlfriend ends up on Nancy Grace interpreting what she thinks her girlfriend’s motives are (with about the same amount of thigh showing to the camera). An “estranged” but not quite divorced wife gives an interview to the local media in which she assures them she is half-owner of the sports team, she has no intention of selling anything to anyone and they can all go fuck themselves. Thousands of college seniors around the country stopped their career plans and entered law school knowing this issue would be going strong when thy graduated and far beyond assuring job security for years.
Every person of color within sight of a TV camera continues to howl for our hero’s head on a platter, loudly predicting the return of slavery and collapse of civilization. The dim girlfriend retains a lawyer and seeks a book deal. The girlfriend of the girlfriend smiles to the camera and suggests there might be more if the price is right. Oprah discreetly suggests to someone she might be in the market for a sports team full of black guys to support her new TV network. Lawsuits are filed from every faction involved including many not involved but want to get in on the fun.
Last scene of last episode of first year cuts to our hero on an opulent sofa, arm around his estranged wife, both sipping Chateau-Lafite-Rothschild and laughing fitfully at a widescreen TV tuned to “Entertainment Tonight”.
Teaser for Season 2 of: “Who you callin’ a racist!”
CNN uncovers yet another tape leaked to the media by an as yet un-named source. Our hero claims sexual desire that prompted him to utter remarks decreed by CNN consultants to be racist. He sez a man trying to get laid will say just about anything, much of it contrived for the moment. Unclear how this relates to the charges against him but CNN plays it every 20 minutes all day accompanied by multiple expert commentaries.
CNN consultant Shabazz McMurphy (BS- Black Studies, PhD- “The Black Experience” Howard University) opines that we have arrived at the era where we can no longer tolerate racist crimes of ANY variety, including now the emergence of “thought crimes”. It’s no longer permissible to tolerate anyone successfully passing for non-racist simply because they keep their mouth shut about their real motives. Our hero demonstrates there are a lot of them out there.
Our hero was thought to be a normal, regular guy, good businessman accumulating a fortune through hard work and got several awards for his acumen and a 30 y. big-titted babe on the side as an appropriate reward for his position. Then his thought crimes broke through the surface and now he fries in the 5th circle of Hell. None of the rest of that history matters. We must now aggressively seek out and destroy secret thought criminals. Thought crime is the one single process that threatens to unravel all the advances in racial progress over the last 100 years.
Starting with each and every person in the public eye, we must seek out everything they’ve ever said or written anywhere for any taint of racism and expose it. We must find and review anything they may have said on any TV screen and have a qualified PhD psychologist (Howard University maintains a list) evaluate for any hint of thought crime that may not have broken the surface yet. There are literally million of law firm associates around the country building their careers on just such quests. We must think about what they’re thinking and we must assume they will try to hide their true thoughts so this quest must be extensive and aggressive. We must also obtain via the Freedom of Information Act, the full database of all NSA archives to find any evidence of racism.
Another CNN consultant, LaToya Smith ((BS- Black Studies, PhD- “Occult Racism”) also opined that our Hero’s wife needs to be looked at very carefully because living with our hero possibly means she shares many if not all of his biases, otherwise she probably would have married someone else. She needs to be questioned closely under vital sign monitoring for any potential thought crimes she’s foxy enough to keep to her mouth shut (under the circumstances). Any hint of thought crime must then be dragged out of her by any means necessary so she can join her husband and all the other accumulating masses in the 5th Circle.
A public service announcement appears that evening brought by the American Bar Association urging college seniors undecided about their careers to immediately apply for admission to Schools of Law. The new series “Who you callin’ a racist” has insured full employment for lawyers for the foreseeable future if not into the next century.
Each of the next 14 episodes will be the interrogation of selected news figures including Anderson Cooper, Brian Williams, Barbara Walters, Matt Lauer and selected others.